Don’t you just love it when inspiration hits? I mean, out of nowhere it’s just like “Wow! This was everything I needed and more!” This was me tonight.
See, Wednesday’s are awesome because Wednesday’s are the night I have my mid-week ladies bible study. If you want to talk about something that can turn your whole day around, for me, this is it. My morning (and last night) started terrible. One of my personal accounts got hacked so I was up at midnight last night on the phone with customer service to get it resolved. This resulted in my wanting to sleep in this morning. I downed a cup of coffee, tried to curl all of my hair, and ran out of the door only to get stuck in traffic for an hour and 26 minutes and end up late to work.
By the time I got to work, I was in such an ugh kind of mood. My mind was scrambling all over the place. I wanted to take some time to sit down and do my devotional, but I could barely even focus on that. It was terrible.
Fastforward to 7 pm tonight. I have my venti vanilla latte from Starbucks, and I’m sitting in bible study, hearing a lesson that’s all about change. Change in the ways God uses it, how we can embrace it, and why it is so necessary in our lives. In that moment, my entire perspective shifted. My terrible morning became an amazing evening.
As a small group leader for this bible study, I got to spend about another 20-30 minutes connecting with the ladies in my group about change in our lives. One of the things we discussed was how God used change in our lives for good, even if it was painful at the time. This was the moment where I was reminded of The Unmaking by Nicole Nordeman.
If I ever write a book, I can guarantee you I will cite this song as a main source of inspiration for me. I just feel it describes me and my journey with God perfectly. I used to be afraid to be blunt about the work God was doing in my life. I would be transparent on many, many levels. But then I would still hold back. I would be afraid to completely, and I mean completely, talk about the work God was doing in my life. This only something I have finally come to be brave enough to do within the past couple of months.
Perhaps I didn’t tell my full story because I was scared of what others would think. Perhaps I was too worried about how I would come across to others. Part of me even wondered if there were certain people in my life I would inadvertently push away if I was totally, completely, uncompromisingly candid about the work of God in my life. Then I realized, how selfish of me to not share what I know God is doing in my life because I’m scared of what other people might think of it. For someone who has a constant prayer for God to be glorified through her life and situations, I wasn’t doing a very good job at making sure God got the glory. The bottom line is I came to realize I can’t control other people’s thoughts. They were either going to see me and think what they wanted to think, or they were going to recognize the work of God in my life.
This is exactly what I did with my small group ladies tonight.
I told them my story. I told them about the dark demons I faced. I told them how I hit rock bottom, I was striped of everything I used to find my identity in. All of God was all that was left, and I still felt like it wasn’t enough. I found my identity in the world and when the world turned it’s back on me, I felt nothing. My world literally got grayer. Then, as time went on I felt like God had turned His back on me. I was already struggling with not feeling good enough for this world, but the pain of not feeling good enough for the God of the universe is incomprehensible. This is where I found grace.
From the demolition of my life, I was radically rescued. I was filled with an outrageous, contagious joy. I was (and still am) utterly broken in every way imaginable, and it ended up being the most beautiful thing God could have ever done for me.
The beauty in the breaking is that in losing myself, I found who God was.
This is why I love The Unmaking so much. This is why I loved tonight’s bible study so much. It hit close to home. I go back to where everything in my life came crashing down, and I’m able to praise God for it because what He rebuilt is beyond anything I could ever imagined.